Eternity in a millisecond

I feel a sense of urgency more and more lately. Not a "hurry up before it's too late" panicky kind of urgency, but a "just do now!" perfectly calm, focused urgency. I want to learn how to be fully present in this moment. The next moment might change everything.

I thought things were going to change again last Friday. My Maxima and I took a glancing hit from a big truck. I came out with minor injuries. The Maxima was not so lucky. It was enough for me to experience how time can seem to slow down, though. It only took a millisecond for me to figure out if I was afraid to die.

It didn't pass before my eyes before the accident or anything, but I have spent some time reflecting on the last year of my life, with Jordan's first birthday this past weekend. There was the celebration of Jonathan's graduation last June, the pleasure of Italy with Grace, and the indescribable joy of Jordan's birth in July. During the summer I broke up with Danny, but in late October I saw him again just one week before David got sick. Then our world shook and cracked to its foundation with losing David. Jonathan's 19th birthday was not celebrated, as it fell on the day before David died, Nov. 13. After the memorial we immediately had to face the holidays. Thankfully, the snow storms came along in January with their gift of mercy: two weeks off from school. I caught my breath. With spring came Grace's birthday, then David's, Mark's, and Stephen's. Just before Mother's Day I ended it for good with Danny. Grace's graduation was in June, and finally Jordan's first birthday was this past week. The past 13 months have brought a wide spectrum of emotion to me, raw, vibrant, and unrelenting.

In a few weeks Grace will leave for school and I'll have my empty house. It's a good thing too, because there's a new me I need to get to know. The woman I was is gone, along with five brief childhoods, now all just wisps of smoke.

I went to the North Anna today with BB and J.Napier. The harsh July sun glared from high up in the blue, between the trees standing tall along the banks. The water drops about ten or twelve feet over a few hundred yards, creating a glittery, gurgling world, with its ancient, persistent music, spilling over rocks.

In a millisecond on Route 1 last week I settled two things for good. One: I believe I will be with my mom and David after I die and I am not afraid. Two: I love living.

xxoo