Phantoms

Well, I hadn't been angry for a while. It had been building up, I guess. I became more annoyed as today went on. Being tired didn't help; the last two nights have been short.

I was pretty ticked before leaving school, then at home I quickly got pissed with Ray, the IRS, and the US Postal Service- all in less than 15 minutes. I started thinking "Wow, what's wrong with me? Why am I so grouchy? Why do I feel so angry?" I was feeling guilt on top of my anger, pacing in my bedroom. Then I thought, "Wait one damn minute! Anyone could get pissed talking with the ex about money, dealing with any agency of the federal government let alone two, or working in a public school bureaucracy!" I let myself off the hook.

This was not common. Normally anxiety keeps me stuck in a mental loop once I've gotten upset. But this time I purposely let go of the guilt and I immediately I felt the anger dissipate, too. It was quite stunning, really. All it took was to intentionally walk away from that invisible judge who haunts me. It's like always being in the room with someone who's watching me perform my ordinary tasks, and I can feel his disapproval. Of course I recognize my judge is a creation of my imagination, or perhaps I inherited him. All I know is that I don't remember him ever not being there, and when I'm quiet I can hear the defense my mind offers up for my existence. I wonder how many other people silently tote around their predisposed judge who whispers incessantly, "guilty, guilty, guilty!"

I think it was important that I walked away from my phantom accuser today. It kinda feels like I called his bluff. Maybe if I do that enough he'll fade away.

I just reread this post and edited. 6/3/10