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One month

Today is the 14th, one month since David left us. I'm not feeling so great today. I feel like there's been a clamp on my throat and a knife in my heart. While the rest of the world is getting on with things, I'm still wishing I could wake up from the nightmare. I look at the pictures of David and I just can't believe that these images are all my eyes will have of him until I'm dead and gone too, and I'm with him again.

I've been thinking about those last minutes I had with him in the hospital. After the paralytic was taken off and he should have been able to wake up if his brain had been able- if God had chosen to give us our miracle. I kissed his face, held his head in my hands, lay my head on his chest, rubbed his feet, kissed his hands, and cried and cried and cried. I called out to him, I yelled at him to wake up, I smacked his face, I pinched his skin, I asked him to look at me, to give me any sign that he was "still in there." I knew he wasn't, I just had to try.

I think more about the "other side" than I used to. I dont' really think I have the ability in this mortal frame to imagine what it will be like; I just think of David as being with my mom and the two of them looking out for us. I'm sure my imagination has it wrong, mostly, but I have to imagine him in a way that lets him still love us.

xxoo