my cup runneth over

It's funny how your focus determines what you learn and accept or reject and fight. I have been focused for the better part of the last two days on sending Christmas cards- a major undertaking for someone so unlikely to have a unified, organized list of updated names and addresses.

I've been determined to go back through many contacts we've had via email and online journal, through cards, visits, and gifts, and in person at the memorial service and celebration. Hundreds of people have crossed our paths these last weeks, since Nov. 2. I am overwhelmed with a flood of warmth. I feel bouyed up by the simple task of re-reading as much as possible and then writing notes inside cards.

I feel a little lighter today, yes, bouyed. Perhaps it's David reminding me, "It's all good, Mom, don't worry." This evening (now early Monday morning) I feel I can choose to smile and mean it. Even though I still don't want to think very far down the line into the future, I can give myself permission today to not dwell on David being dead for a few minutes- long enough to enjoy the Christmas tree, or the woodstove's warmth, to play with the dog, or to vacuum the rug.

Today I've given myself permission to feel happy - happy about the people who have shown sincere love and affection for David and for his family. I, as the mother, have been especially well taken care of by my friends, and strangers too. Indeed, many whom I've never met I now consider friends. I have learned about the power of love in a new and powerful way.

What does all this mean? It feels like I'm at a crossroads, but then again it also seems like just another point in a long road. Every point is a crossroads then, isn't it?

xxoo