I mailed the letters to the recipients of David's organs today. LifeNet health will get them, read them for appropriateness, then forward them to the men who are living with David's organs. I hope they will find my letters interesting; I was able to give a littel information about David and our family. I hope they will want to meet us. I hope to give them each a hug and hear about how David's gifts have helped them.

The man at LifeNet Health said that most often recipients choose not to meet, for many reasons, chiefly a thing called survivor guilt. I hope this is not what happens with our recipients. I hope they feel fortunate, yes, but not guilty, I hope they understand that knowing David's organs have helped them makes it easier for us to bear losing him. We want to know that David's life mattered in a way that will go on and on. With his big heart beating inside a man who works with needy children, I know he is still making a difference. This helps me.

I still haven't cried since Sunday. I feel like there's something rising in my throat and chest area- like a tightness building up, warning me that this calm isn't going to last forever. I was talking to Heather and she said that when she lost her husband so young and suddenly she would also experience the sudden, seemingly unsolicited waves of shocking grief. She calls it the "Mack truck effect" because it feels like you've been hit by one. I know it's coming; I can hear the rumbling of it, but for now, I'm able to focus on grades, the new semester coming, the snow we're going to get this weekend, chores, and other regular every-day stuff.

Someone asked if I feel guilty, like I've dishonored David's memory and loss, in the moments I am happy or laugh with my friends. The answer is no. I feel guilty when I'm not happy and enjoying laughter. I'm sure David wants me to know that he is still looking after us and wants us to carry on, tough as it is, with a resilient spirit. If I can still laugh with friends, this will be the best way for me to honor David's memory.

So dear Friends, if ya'll want to help me laugh, have at it. Email me some jokes or funny true stories from your life (kfetty@comcast.net), call me and come over for a beer; please don't be afraid to help me have fun. I need it! That's what David would want me to do... with all my spare time...hahaha.

xxoo