Paradigm Shift

Its funny how we can identify with seemingly random events that are completely disassociated with our regular lives. The recent reports of earthquakes in the news have resonated with me; I think of mothers who have lost something or everything dear to them. Their lives have been shaken, literally and figuratively, to the very bedrock of existence.

Suddenly everything I see now is through this new lens of loss. Even the whole idea of the earth shaking seems familiar. The landscape is not the same as it was. There's been a shifting, a permanent change that was unplanned, devastating, and in certain ways, debilitating. But it's not going back to the way it was. Period. I imagine those women in Haiti and Chile and China; do they still wake up with a faint whisper of a crazy idea that lasts a millisecond? Do they still hope we can go back and fix it all?

Here I sit, coming up on what I hope will be the half-way point in my life and my greatest awareness is that tomorrow is an illusion. All we really have is this moment, this brief flash in the light. The only question I need ask myself is how do I live now.

Planning for the future, picturing events, people, and things in years to come is all fine, but I should hold on loosely to that vision. Just as the more fluid architecture in Chile prevented great suffering, I think if I'd had a more fluid attachment to David I wouldn't be as ripped apart right now. If I'd been more aware of the temporary nature of life and the eternal nature of love I would have been able to absorb the shock of his going and not feel as separated from him.

For now, I just need to sit down, be quiet, catch my breath, and let the dust settle. Then, after the shock has worn off, I'll be able to get my bearings.

xxoo