Dear Friends,
If you are still out there, please continue to pray for me. Most of the time now I just want to run away and hide. Perhaps it is a natural phase of grief or my imagination, but I get the feeling that people think I should be "over it" by now and are annoyed by my continuing sadness. Some people won't look me in the eye anymore, like they've lost respect for me. I know I'm never going to get over this, so everyone will be disgusted by me eventually, I guess. I wish I could disappear. I wish I could stop waking up. Morning is just a time to figure out how to cope with a walking nightmare for another day, to figure out how to pretend there's not a knife in my heart, so I won't make everyone else uncomfortable.
The other challenges of life: paying bills, keeping up with home-improvements, dealing with the boss, etc., are just too much. It seems like the universe is trying to snuff me out. The IRS is coming after me unjustly, the mortgage company is threatening to foreclose justly, Grace is applying to college and I can't even give her the application fees (it's somehow wrong that TEACHERS can't send their own kids to college, isn't it?) I feel guilty that I'm not more help to my other kids now. It even seems like they are avoiding me. Do they think I don't love them as much as I love David, since I'm so preoccupied with losing him? I should be able to help them cope right now, but I'm too sad and they seem to wish I would just stay away from them. They don't even want to talk to me lately.
People say God will never give you more than you can handle. I used to believe that. I used to believe it was my guarantee that I'd never lose a child. Obviously, I was wrong. Maybe I don't understand anything about God. Maybe what I thought I understood was all a fabrication of my own ego and imagination. Maybe God willingly gives some people more than they can handle. Lot's of people lose their minds with pain and anguish, don't they? Maybe He's made it so that I will "handle it", as in, it won't physically kill me, even though it would be easier for me if it did. Maybe He just makes some of His children suffer so others will be grateful it's not them and praise Him. Whatever. I just know that I don't really know anything and was a fool to think I ever did. Maybe God's just showing me how ignorant I am and is punishing me for ever thinking I knew Him at all.
On the morning of Nov. 2, 2009 my sweet son David suffered a major brain aneurysm. He died on November 14. This page was created by me, David's mom, as a therapy for working through grief and for staying connected to the many friends who have carried David's family through our great loss. For those who wish to read the beginning of David's story, a daily account from MCV while his doctors and nurses fought to save him, it may still be found at www.caringbridge.org/visit/davidfetty.
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ReplyDeletemaybe you might want to read this...I hope some words mean something to you.
my heart breaks for you
~hugs~
mrs fetty, you dont know me, and i barely knew david. i knew him well enough to say "hows it going?" when i would see him down at baja bean to play poker. i have been following your sad story for a while now, and i have not written anything to you until now. from what i have heard about david from you and others, it seems like you are being selfish. you have other children and students who depend on you. children only get one mother. i lost both of my parents in a 4 year span so i know something of personal tragedy although it pales in comparison to a parent having to bury one of their children. i know you will never get over losing your son and noone expects you to, but you need to keep living for the others in your life who depend on you. you need to ask yourself "would david want me to give up and let down all the people in this world who depend on me?" from what i have heard about david, i think we would both agree the answer would be a resounding NO! i hope this message has maybe helped you somewhat, and i hope you can pull yourself through this for the sake of yourself and your loved ones.
ReplyDeletesometimes we all think that we don't know the Lord... its at these times that He beckons us to come closer so He can teach us new and better things and make us into better ppl. His sole purpose for us is to make us into His likeness and unfortunately that hurts sometimes :(
ReplyDeletedon't worry about what other ppl think - you have enuff on your plate! you're doing the best that you can do... just start reaching out to the only one who can help you - Jesus! - and remember that you will see David again.
still praying for you and sending hugs
To say that God is punishing your during this time of grief... I don't think that's correct.
ReplyDeleteYour beliefs and assumptions about God and the nature of the world may have been inaccurate, and those beliefs have consequences regarding how we approach (and prepare for) all other aspects of life.
But God does not, if he can at all help it, willingly punish his children (Lamentations 3:31-33).
If there's one thing that I have found through my own experience, it's that an infinite God who is the very embodiment of love is also infinitely tender with the broken places within us...
Karen, Having walked in your shoes and losing a child, I will say what you are going through is NORMAL! Your grief journey is just that- YOURS and no one elses. You are NOT being selfish, you are doing what you need to do to get through each hour and day. Things will get softer as I have told you before. People move on with their normal when the service ends- we are left struggling to figure out what normal is. You will find your New Normal eventually and it will include sunshine and laughter and your children understanding all of this. I promise! It will be 4 years in February since we lost him and we survived. You and your family will also! praying for you often. Leslie
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